I’m sure most reading this post – if you haven’t experienced it yourself – have at least seen a relationship that didn’t involve trust. Otherwise fun and exciting relationships that were ruined by the lack of trust from one, or both, of those involved.
Friendships outside of the relationship were questioned.
DMs were checked.
Lamps were thrown.
Regardless of how exciting the relationship was, because of the lack of trust it became too difficult and unhealthy to continue the relationship.
I would never recommend that you stay in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t trust you. However, I decided to write this post because I feel too many people believe their significant other doesn’t trust them when in reality they simply don’t trust themselves.
Neither is healthy.
Both need to be resolved.
But there is a difference that I’d like to explain.
To avoid excessive “they” and “his or her” nonsense, I’m going to use the example of Cody and Amy.
**All characters appearing in this work are fictitious, blah blah blah**
First, let’s assume Cody doesn’t trust Amy. He doesn’t have any evidence that Amy is being unfaithful, yet believes that she is pursuing other men.
He doesn’t like when she goes out with her friends, he thinks any text she receives is from another man, and when she tells him about her day he believes there is more she isn’t telling him.
Clearly not a healthy relationship.
Next, let’s assume Cody does trust Amy…but he doesn’t trust in himself. He doesn’t believe he is good enough for Amy. So, even though Cody believes that she loves him now, he thinks that when she realizes there are better men out there she’ll leave.
He knows she isn’t talking to other men behind his back.
He believes what she tells him, and doesn’t doubt her faithfulness.
But because he doesn’t trust in himself he thinks eventually she’ll break up with him and pursue a better option, causing him to constantly seem nervous and on edge around other men.
The reason I bring this up is because most people, when they think of trust in a relationship, always seem to default to the first option. (You know…the one with the lamp throwing.)
A lot of arguments in relationships start off with some variation of, “why don’t you trust me?”
And you could be right.
He might not trust you…and if he doesn’t you should probably get rid of him. But he also might trust you completely.
Maybe his problem is that he doesn’t trust in himself.
Now, I’m not saying it’s healthy or ok to not trust in yourself. As I mentioned earlier, both issues need to be resolved in order to have a healthy and happy relationship.
But at least identify what the issue actually is before trying to address it.
If he doesn’t trust you then it’s probably best to leave. Either you’re not right for him or he wasn’t right for you. Regardless, you aren’t right for each other.
If he doesn’t trust himself you could still decide to leave. He may not be ready for a relationship until he figures himself out. But, if you choose to stay with him understand that he’s going to need to learn how to love and trust himself.
It’s not your responsibility to prove your faithfulness and loyalty.
If he doesn’t trust you then no proof will make a difference. If he doesn’t trust himself then he already knows you’re faithful and loyal, but he believes eventually you’ll find a better person to be faithful and loyal to.
Regardless of where the lack of trust is directed – at oneself or at the significant other – it is the responsibility of the doubter to address the problem.
To those who choose to stay, and to build trust within their current relationship, best of luck. Not that it takes luck to do so, but you have my best wishes and I hope you’re able to make it work.
To those who choose to leave, and to build trust on your own before starting your next relationship, be strong. You have what it takes to be in a solid and successful relationship. But you need to believe in yourself before that can happen.